2009

When was the last time somebody really listened to you?

You know, really listened, without interrupting you, jumping in with their own opinions and judgments, without offering advice, without simply taking it in and then going off on a related story about themselves, almost ignoring what you said?

If you’re like most people, the answer will be “A damn long time ago!”

We live in a culture that’s all about instant gratification. It’s all about us, or we’re not interested. We have to filter through thousands of things demanding our attention every day, so it only makes sense we become intensely focused on what applies to us, and start filtering out everything else.

And so we tend to forget the art of deep listening.

The 2 types of listening

There are 2 main types of listening. Neither of them is right or wrong. But once you understand them, you will realize when selfish listening is appropriate, and when deep listening will lead to much more interesting conversations.

1. Selfish listening

At the heart of selfish listening is this one question:

“How does this apply to me?”

This is a great mode of listening in many situations. When you’re at an airport, and you hear an announcement, you only need to know if it applies to you, and ignore it otherwise.

When you hear a mortgage advertisement, you only care if you’re thinking of getting a mortgage. There would be no point in deeply listening to the bank telling you all about them, and their mortgage plans, and how it would save you money on buying a house, if you’re not thinking of buying a house.

But selfish listening leads to problems when you apply it to people you’re just casually talking to.

Purely selfish listeners always interrupt you, keep offering unwanted advice, keep talking about themselves, and ignore anything you say that doesn’t apply to them. This makes you feel alienated and unwanted, so you stay away from selfish listeners, and they wonder why nobody wants to talk to them for very long.

2. Deep listening

Then there’s deep listening. This happens when:

• you suspend all judgment about what the other person is saying
• you stop thinking about what you will say next, and just listen
• you give your full attention to the other person

…and you stay intensely curious about the other person, and keep asking probing questions.

For example, just yesterday, I was talking to a woman in her early twenties. I asked what she does for a living, and she mentioned that she has a PR job, but hates it.

Now, if I was in selfish listening mode, I would immediately say “Dude, why don’t you quit?!”, or go off about how I dislike my lectures. Which would make her feel I wasn’t really listening, and would soon end the conversation. Instead, I decided to ask some probing questions.

So I said, “What would you rather be doing? What would be your ideal job?”

And lo and behold, it turns out she already had it all figured out! She wanted to be a tour guide in Rome, but in order to get that, she needed to speak better Italian, and have Italian residency. So she was studying Italian, and had a plan to move to Italy next summer as an English teacher, which would give her Italian residency and allow her to apply for the tour guide job!

We had a very interesting conversation, and all because I listened to what is important to her, instead of constantly thinking about myself.

How to practice deep listening

Obviously, you can practice deep listening the next time you’re talking to someone. There isn’t much trick to that, and I’m sure you can figure it out yourself. Instead, I’ll mention another really cool way I found to practice deep listening.

It’s on a website called reddit. More specifically, the AMA subreddit. (AMA stands for Ask Me Anything)

Basically, it’s a place where anybody with an unusual [occupation/hobby/relationship/whatever] can let others ask them questions about it. Then the community asks them questions, they answer, and the community votes on the most insightful/interesting questions and answers.

Two of my favorites are A mortician and A guy who’s been blind for two years. Check them out.

Just by reading through the questions and answers in the various AMAs, you will learn some really interesting stuff. You will also learn to suspend your judgment and just listen to another person’s experiences.

In every AMA, you will see a few people asking questions who are stuck in selfish listening mode. For example, the other day there was a spammer doing an AMA. And quite a few people just posted things like “I hate you. That’s all.”

They completely missed a chance to learn something really interesting from the spammer. Instead, they were completely stuck in judging the spammer by their own standards, and letting themselves to be consumed by anger. A great example of selfish listening to avoid.

Also, by reading all the insightful questions, you will see which ones usually lead to interesting answers, and get some ideas for questions to ask during your real-life conversations.

In summary, by reading the AMA subreddit, you will:

• learn a ton of interesting stuff
• practice deep listening and suspending your judgment
• subconsciously absorb a lot of interesting questions you could ask the next time you’re talking to someone

The only downside is that it can be a real time-sucker

And to finish off today, I’ll share a quote:

“How to be interesting? It’s simple – be interested.”
- Gandhi

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Update about life coaching:

Thanks to everybody who applied for the free life coaching! 13 people applied, so right now I’m re-reading the e-mails to decide which 3 people I will work with.

My schedule is packed from now right through the Christmas holidays, but I’ll probably be offering some more life coaching in late January.

If you missed the offer, or applied but didn’t get picked, check back in January

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