September 2009

Beware of Emotional Vampires

by Vlad Dolezal on September 30, 2009

Did you know that every culture on earth has vampire myths?

Every tribe, no matter how small or isolated.

Sure, it might not always involve black cloaks, living in a castle and turning into a bat. But every culture has myths and stories about human-like creatures that suck your life energy right out of you.

That’s because it’s a universal human experience. There are emotional vampires in every society… and even in your life.

So watch out!

Characteristics of an emotional vampire

Do you know somebody who’s always negative?

Somebody who’s always complaining?

How about somebody who never shares much positive emotion, and is always looking to join in on other people’s fun and bring them down?

Quite simply, do you know somebody who drains your energy, whenever they’re around you?

Yes? Then they’re an emotional vampire.

Sure, we can all sometimes be a bit negative or draining. But emotional vampires are people who are like this all the time, 24/7. They just suck life energy out of people, and they don’t even realize it.

And other people will subconsciouly start avoiding them, even if they can’t quite figure out why.

Could… *gasp* you be an emotional vampire?

Before you shout “NO”, get all angry, close this webpage, and lose everything you could learn here… I’m not suggesting you’re a full-blown emotional vampire.

There’s a very good chance you’re not. Emotional vampires usually don’t read personal development blogs.

But we all sometimes act like emotional vampires. Even I do, and I’ve been aware of this for years.

Here are some emotional vampire behaviors you want to avoid:

  • complaining
  • shooting down ideas without giving them a good thought
  • asking negative questions (“Why can’t we ever do this?”) instead of solution-oriented questions (“How can we most easily do this?”)
  • making comments just to make other people feel bad
  • saying bad things about people behind their back

Are you doing any of the above? That’s fine, we all sometimes do. But now that you’re aware how it affects other people (hint: they hate it), please stop.

The next time you catch yourself doing anything remotely emotional-vampire-ish, stop, and do something constructive instead. You won’t believe the difference in your relations with other people.

How to deal with emotional vampires

The first way to deal with emotional vampires is simply to tell them how their actions affect you. Some vampires CAN change, you just need to point out they’re doing something wrong. (There’s a whole art to helping other people change. Here’s one quick tip – go from the “Here’s how your actions make me feel” angle, not the “you suck and your actions are evil” angle.)

I’m big on changing the world, so I hang out with entrepreneurs and creative people a lot.

But while preaching open-mindedness and aiming for big goals… often when a friend came with a huge out-of-the-box proposal, my immediate reaction was “No, that wouldn’t work”, even without considering it. Thankfully, I had one friend who called me on this. I paused to think, and realized I WAS acting like an emotional vampire.

Nowadays, I always bite back my initial knee-jerk reaction. Because you know what? The initial “Nonsense!” reaction is very often wrong.

…

If the vampire is too close-minded to change when you point out their flaws… there’s nothing you can do for them. You can’t change somebody who doesn’t want to change.

Instead, get the emotional vampire out of your life.

Sometimes you can just ignore them and they will fade away. Sometimes you need to actively tell them you don’t want to spend time with them anymore.

Sure, it hurts at first. But it’s much better than spending your life with emotional vampires around. It’s like tearing a band-aid off in one quick jerk, instead of the drawn-out agonizing process of pulling it off slowly.

Have a fabulous vampire-free day!

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You Can Do It, You Just Don’t Know It

by Vlad Dolezal on September 26, 2009

Look at the kid, shouting he hates tomatoes! Even though he’s never tried them…

Kids have a reason to be picky about food. Unless they’ve been introduced to a food early on, they’ll avoid it until they get old enough to make their own decisions about food. It’s a survival trait.

But adults behaving the same way? Uh-oh. And I’m not talking about food, either. Too many adults claim they can’t do something, even if they’ve never tried it!

Learning takes practice

Think back to when you had your first child (if you haven’t yet, just imagine it). When they were first learning to walk, and fell over, what was your reaction? Did you have a good laugh about it, and tell them to keep trying?

Or did you say: “Oh well Johnny, I guess you’ll never be a walker. I don’t think you’ll ever get the hang of this.”

Well… duh!

And yet adults treat themselves the second way again and again! They try something once or twice, and then conclude they can’t do it, and will never be able to.

If you haven’t learned something yet, that can only mean one of two things:

  • you haven’t put in enough time
  • you’re using wrong learning methods

And don’t go around telling me about your “natural limitations” or “inherent lack of talent”. Unless you’re a professional athlete or a world-class chess player, you’re going to quit LONG before reaching any kind of natural talent barrier!

And if you don’t want to learn because you’re afraid you’ll look dumb… don’t worry. No one cares how bad you are the first time you start learning something.

No one cares how much you shake and stutter the first time you try public speaking.

No one cares how much you fall when you’re first learning to ski.

Most people are either too busy thinking of themselves… or very kind and supportive! When you start learning something, you warm other people’s hearts by reminding them of their own humble beginnings. They’ll be more than happy to give you tips and encouragement.

If you don’t WANT to learn something because you … well… don’t want to, that’s fine. Just make sure it’s really your wants that are guiding you, not your fears.

Ask yourself:


What is more important? Your fears, or your desires?

And then live your life unrestricted.

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Using Intention Instead of Suffering

by Vlad Dolezal on September 19, 2009

Have you ever wanted to date a particular woman (or man), or get a particular job, but it didn’t work out, and you felt like crap? Rejected, or disappointed, or plain disemboweled.

Yes? Then you were suffering.

Suffering is burning energy on things you don’t control. And guess what – you don’t control other people. You don’t control the environment. So every time you wish for one particular outcome, you’re trying to control the uncontrollable, and suffering.

If you focus all your efforts on one particular woman, and she says no, you will feel that you have failed, and it will drain your energy and happiness.

Instead, focus on what you do control. You control your own thoughts, your own feelings and your actions.

To use intention, don’t focus on one particular outcome. Instead, figure out the general kind of outcome you want. The type of person you want to date. The kind of job you want. Then work towards getting that.

That way, when one person says no, you don’t worry about it, you just move on to the next one that fits your preferences. You keep your happiness and self-esteem intact.

That’s intention. Use it well.

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Opportunity Costs

by Vlad Dolezal on September 12, 2009

In economics, there’s this fun principle called opportunity costs. And since economics is all about scarcity of resources… and your time and energy are scarce resources… hey! We can apply this principle to your life!

Imagine we have a farmer, Bob. He has a field to grow crops on. He decides to grow sugar cane, which would bring him a profit of €1,000,000 a year (as opposed to making no money if he didn’t do anything with his field).

Now, you could think he’s making a profit of €1,000,000. And he is. But according to the principle of opportunity costs, he should consider how much he could make with his next best choice. So let’s say his next best choice is growing potatoes, with a profit of €800,000 a year. That way, his net gain is by growing sugar cane is €200,000 over the next best choice.

His opportunity cost is €800,000, because by growing sugar cane, he’s giving up the opportunity to grow potatoes.

Don’t worry if it doesn’t make much sense. It’s not supposed to. Yet.

So far it looks like considering opportunity costs makes no difference. But now let’s see what happens if Bob decides to grow potatoes first.

That gives him a profit of €800,000 a year. Not bad at all. But when he thinks about opportunity costs… he realizes his other best choice is growing sugar cane, making €1,000,000 a year! In other words, he could be using his resources in a better way! By growing potatoes, he’s making €800,000. But in a way, he’s also losing €200,000, because he could be making that much more from his field!

Which brings me to you.

Your time is valuable

It doesn’t matter if you’re a multi-million-euro CEO or unemployed and in debt. One thing still holds true:


Your time is valuable because you could be doing valuable things with it.

Always consider what you could be doing instead of what you are doing. Going out with friends and drinking is fun, but maybe you could be doing something even more awesome. Eating a big cake feels good, but maybe not eating it is even more valuable.

(I always consider the opportunity costs of doing my homework. My teachers aren’t too happy about the result ;) )

Just because you found a good choice, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a better choice. Maybe you could be growing sugar cane instead of potatoes.

Watch out with opportunity costs

Let’s say someone offers you two candy bars. You value them both equally at €1. So if you pick the first one, your net gain over your next best choice (picking the other candy bar) is 0.

Funnily enough, if they offered you the choice between one candy bar or nothing, your net gain would be €1. You would feel happier, even though you had less choice.

Don’t use opportunity costs to think about happiness. You’ll end up always comparing yourself to the neighbour with the bigger house, the co-worker with the bigger salary, the entrepreneur with more freedom. And you’ll feel like crap.

Instead, here’s a rule of thumb:


Make choices based on opportunity costs. Consider how lucky you are based on absolute value.

So instead of comparing yourself to others who have more, which would leave you feeling like you have a negative value, think in absolute terms. (Or compare yourself to someone really really poor.)

You’ve got clothes, a roof over your head, food to eat, electricity, warm water, the internet… hell, you’re doing fantastic!

That’s all I have to say today. Have fun!

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Not Enough Time? Slow Down!

by Vlad Dolezal on September 5, 2009

I held a medium-sized want-to-do list in my hand. It would take me about an hour of focus to finish.

So I rushed to the computer and started knocking tasks off the list as fast as possible. In my mad scramble between gmail and researching stuff I opened google reader, got distracted by some webcomics, read more webcomics on reddit, then watched a few fun videos, then remembered a TV show on my computer I wanted to watch…

Long story short, I had 20 minutes of productive time followed by 2 hours of distractions.

It happened to me more than once. So I set out to find out why doing things quickly takes longer than doing them slowly. And here’s what I found out…

Why slowing down gives you more time

There are three main reasons why slowing down gives you more time in each day:

1. You don’t fall off the cliff of fun/productive time into the pit of distractions

Imagine your fun & productive time as walking along a mountain ledge, with steep cliffs on each side. The ledge is about 1 metre wide, so if you walk along normally, you have no trouble staying on. But if you run along, you will trip up and fall into the pit of distractions. It will then take you hours to climb back out on the fun/productive path.

Like when you get distracted by watching youtube videos, then blink a few times, wondering where the hell did half the afternoon go.

2. Action creates belief

Your beliefs and actions form a feedback loop. You act on your beliefs, and then you take those actions as further evidence to support your beliefs.

If you believe there’s not enough time in each day, you’ll always be rushing into things, flailing around madly and inefficiently. And then you’ll use the evidence of having one hectic day after another to support your belief that there isn’t enough time in each day.

But you can interrupt that loop at the “action” part, thus changing your beliefs, thus changing your actions…

If you slow down, and start enjoying every moment… you will find there’s a surprising lot of time in each day. When I first slowed down and tried savoring every moment of the day… I was shocked at how much time there is when you cut out the distractions. I realized I was afraid of having too much time and getting bored, which is why I always rushed into things.

3. You will enjoy every moment more

Have you ever talked with someone who was distracted by something on their mind? You talked to them, and they sort of talked back, but they weren’t really there.

A lot of us go through our days like that. By rushing too much, we’re never really in the moment, always worrying about all the things we need to do and how little time there is. Then the day is suddenly gone, and we only spent a few short moments actually there, in that day.

And then it seems to us like there isn’t any time in a day.

Instead, when you slow down, you will suddenly start enjoying every moment. Every bite of your breakfast. The breeze of fresh air when you open the window. The texture of water when you wash your hands.

There’s plenty of time in the day. You just need to rediscover it.

How to slow down

Update (6.9.2009): A commenter, Dalibor Ruzic, posted such an insightful comment, I’m including it right here, because I think everyone should read it:

It’s not so much slow downing as clearing mind. My (and any other) brain feel speed as events per seconds so when I think of fifty thing in a same time I think I’m fast, but I don’t make decisions of any of this thing so I’m slow.

When I think of just one thing at a time our brain think I’m slow, but I make a decisions and decisions are progress so I’m fast.

Also when you think about just one thing it’s easy to spot thoughts that are just distraction, but when you think about fifty things distraction is just another thought.

I’d add one thing. This explains why you can have a very busy day without accomplishing much, or a nice relaxed day while accomplishing tons. (I think Leo Babauta has been preaching the second one for years.)

Here are a few quick tips you can implement immediately to slow down and savour every moment:

  • Eat without distractions. Focus on every bite, the taste of the food, chew it up until it slips into your throat by itself. (Definitely do this when you’re eating alone. When you’re eating a meal with other people, that’s a different situation.)
  • Meditate
  • Break up your routine. Shuffle the order of your morning routine, or brush your teeth with the other hand, or take a different route to work. Or anything else you can think of.
  • Slow down physically. If you find yourself getting lost in thought, just slow down whatever you’re doing. For example, try getting dressed in the morning while doing all movements 3 times slower. Add some deep breathing and just getting dressed becomes a wonderful meditation in itself.

And that’s it. Enjoy slowing down and having more time in each day!

By the way, if you have other specific tips on how to slow down, please share them in the comments. I’d like to add them to the list above. G’day!

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