Thomas A. Edison was interviewed by a newspaper after 800 unsuccessful tries to make a working light bulb.
“How does it feel to have failed 800 times?” the reporter asked.
And Edison’s answer?
“I haven’t failed 800 times. I haven’t failed once. What I have done, is I have succeeded in proving that those 800 ways won’t work. Once I eliminate all the ways that won’t work, I will find the one way that will.”
Several years later, after thousands more “successful proofs” he managed to find a way that works, and thus illuminated the world.
Sure, Edison is an extreme example. But the small words you use every day really DO matter! Such a simple word as “failure” can drain your enthusiasm, scare you from trying new things, and thus deprive the world of your gifts.
Words are extremely powerful because they create frames around situations. If you call something a “problem” it immediately makes you anxious, nervous and slightly annoyed. If you call it a “challenge”, it makes you excited and in a fun mood.
So today, I’ll point out some of the most common evil words, and some empowering alternatives to replace them.
1. Failure
So you didn’t get what you were shooting for. Big deal. You can learn and shoot again and again, until you achieve your goal. Like Edison and his 800 “successful proofs”.
As Tony Robbins says:
“As long as I keep learning, every outcome is a success. I will only have failed the moment I stop learning.”
On top of that, “failure” is especially evil, because you can easily extrapolate from it. Instead of thinking “I failed at this task”, you can slip to thinking “I am a failure”. Then, suddenly, a whole new negative belief tacks itself onto your self-image, and starts affecting everything else you do. Uh-oh, not good.
So what’s the alternative? Just call it a learning opportunity.
2. Problem
Is your life full of problems? Do your co-workers keep bringing you new problems you have to deal with? Is your romantic life full of problems?
Just replace them with challenges. Or, if you want to drive the point home to your subconscious, exciting challenges.
So now whenever your boss drops an extra assingment on your desk, it’s no longer a problem. It’s an exciting challenge 
Does this seem too trivial to make a difference? After all, it’s still the same assignment.
It might seem strange and stupid to be simply using different words for the same things… but after a few days, you will notice a big difference in how you feel about all the things you re-named. And because reality is 100% subjective… how you feel about something IS that something. In other words… while objectively it’s still the same thing, you feel differently about it, and therefore it IS different. Because your reality is 100% yours.
I’ve gone all metaphysical on you, haven’t I? 
Let’s move on…
3. Have to / Need to
I learned about these two from Tim Brownson’s article Mind your Language, which also inspired me to write this article. So, thanks Tim!
These two phrases create lose/lose situations, because when you tell yourself you “have to” do something, you put pressure and stress on yourself. Then you either do it, and feel bad because you were forced to, or you don’t do it, and feel bad because of that. Lose/lose.
Instead, use want to or love to. Suddenly, when you “want to” do things instead of “having to” do them, you feel much more positive and enthusiastic about them!
In fact, I took this tip further… instead of writing “to-do” lists (which sounds a bit too much like “have-to-do lists”), I now call them “want-to-do lists”.
It sounds crazy, but even when I write the exact same tasks, adding that extra word on top of the sheet of paper makes me feel more positive about them, and more likely to get them done. Spooky
4. Should
We’re drawing to the finish. This last word is really evil not by itself, but because it points out a disempowering way of thinking.
Consider these phrases:
- It shouldn’t be raining now. They said it wouldn’t be raining!
- I should’ve got the promotion instead of Jack!
- People should be nicer to each other.
Notice something? In each of those cases, you’re suffering – trying to control the uncontrollable. You don’t control the weather. You don’t control other people. Wishing that things were different only leaves you frustrated, drains your energy, and doesn’t accomplish anything.
So what do you do about this word? Simple. Drop it. Stop that way of thinking. If something isn’t the way you would like to, either do something to influence it, or don’t worry about it. Now that you’re aware of the signpost (using the word “should”), it will be easy to overcome that way of thinking. What an… exciting challenge!
Do you have any evil words of your own you replaced with empowering alternatives? Please share them in the comments!
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
“Ought” is another baddie, for exactly the same reasons as “Should”.
Here’s a nice bit of trivia for you: Edison in the USA and Joseph Swan in the UK invented the light bulb independently, but Swan filed for patent a week earlier. The best bit is that instead of getting into an expensive legal battle, they went into a win-win partnership. I think that attitude is another clue to their success, don’t you?
Great post, Vlad!
A disempowering phrase I’ve encountered alot lately, what with all the political talk of changing our health care/health insurance systems, is “…but it’s still the best [system] in the world.”
Even if/while true, this phrase limits possibilities for future growth. I try to reframe the question as: “it *is* good, and how can it be even better?”
Best wishes!
@Sheila:
I’ve never heard that part of the story before. I’ve gotta remember that.
@Erich:
You just reminded me of a story…
In the US, the car manufacturers started worrying when Toyota started overtaking their market.
So they bought a Toyota, and disassembled it to have a look at how it works.
They were shocked at how easily and intuitively it all fit together. With the US cars, they figured out how to make them, and then just kept making them the same way, even if it involved some awkward assembly, screws in weird places etc.
In Japan, they first designed the car. Then they manufactured it, noticed which bits didn’t go completely smoothly, and kept asking how can they make it more intuitive and easier to assemble. After several years, this mindset led them to cars that basically snapped together like puzzle pieces, while the Americans were still left with awkward-to-assemble cars.
It’s all in the mindset. Constant improvement. Just like you said.
Another wonderful column. Thanks for writing it. I am astonished how you consistently inspire me.
@Sheila:
Yeah, but when Tesla proposed the better AC (to Edison’s DC), Edison tried to destroy the brilliant Tesla.
What we say to yourself on a daily basis is who we become. Its a scary fact, but its also a fun fact because we can say anything to our selves. Why not say the follow
1. Wow , everything I do turns to gold
2. Yes, I CAN
3. Success is running though my veins
4. I deserve to be successful
5. I can do anything i put my mind to
6. I have a slim trim figure
7. I expect to be successful
8. I am a Born Winner
9. I enjoy taking calculated risks
10. I believe in myself
Great post. Is all about the language of the mind.
@Tula:
Thanks! I write just for you (and others like you who just don’t feel like leaving a comment).
@Anon:
Just why does that remind me of Microsoft… (Yes, Microsoft really were the best thing ever that happened to the computer industry when they first came along. They turned it from a vertical model (where one vendor provided you with everything from hardware to word processors) to a horizontal model (specialized companies each providing the one thing they were best at)).
@Jonathan:
Ya, the words really matter.
Though you might want to watch the affirmations. There’s some funky stuff at work when you say them:
http://vladdolezal.com/blog/2009/forget-affirmations-action-is-the-key/
The last item reminds me of a book I read awhile ago, The Nature of Jade. The main character, Jade, has panic disorder, and in a discussion with her mom (if i remember correctly), she told her that her therapist said not to let people “should all over her.”
When I first read this post, it reminded me of that phrase, and the combination locked the concept into my mind rather well (I’ve actually started catching myself when I say should). I’m still working on the others, though. But great post, as usual!
@Aurora:
I like that phrase. You’ll always find people trying to shame you into doing something. As you recognized, the key is to resist their “should”s and do what you believe is best.
Glad you like the post!
I’ve got another one!
“Try”.
When you “try” to do something, you’re immediately setting yourself up for failure, because you’re not really committed. Instead, say you “will” do something!
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