Back when I first moved to Belgium, I spent most of my free time at home.
I would sometimes get invited to a friend’s party, or friends would go out on Friday nights – but I was afraid to go with them, because of the uncertainty. I had no idea what it would be like, if I would like it, if I would have fun… so I usually stayed home alone.
Then I would hear people talking about “last friday”, and I thought they all had an amazing blast and I was really missing out. But I was too afraid to go.
Then, one day, I finally decided to come along. And lo and behold, those “amazing” friday nights usually consisted of people just standing around, drinking a little, talking a little, and generally being pretty bored. I went another one or two times, and had the same impression every time.
And yet for months, because I was so afraid of the uncertainty of going out with my friends, I created this idealized idea of what an amazing time everyone was having, how much I was missing out, and made myself feel really bad.
That was the last time I let uncertainty stop me from living a full life.
To let you learn from my mistakes, here are a few insights:
1. Uncertain situations are often the most fun
When you go into a situation where you don’t know what will be going on – sure, you’re scared as hell. But everything’s new, everything’s interesting… and it’s a ton of fun! Think back to when you were a kid, and went exploring a forest with your friends. It was big. It was amazing. And it was uncertain.
2. 90% of the time, you will have fun and be just fine. The other 10% make great stories.
Really. Most scary things you imagine never come true.
Strangers don’t shout at you angrily for approaching them. They’re usually really warm and receptive… and the worst thing I’ve seen happen is that they ignore you. (unless you’re being an obnoxious ass)
People don’t boo you off the stage if you suck at public speaking. The worst that happens is that people get bored and start checking their watches and daydreaming. The best that happens is that you share some interesting information, get a laugh or two, and get off the stage leaving the audience wanting more.
And when you DO get into an embarrassing situation or get an way-out-in-the-left-field response from people, you get a great story to tell!
3. Uncertainty is scary. Overcoming scary means courage. Courage leaves you feeling confident and empowered.
I covered this in detail in my post How to Conquer Fear.
Basically, you can’t think your way out of fear. The only way is to do courage and face the fears. And once you do that, no matter what happens, you will have more confidence and feel empowered afterwards.
So the next time you’re faced with an uncertain situation, feel the fear, and then go through with it anyway. You’ll see afterwards that you’re completely fine, and have a good laugh about how you were afraid for no good reason.
May you face a ton of uncertainty!
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Put another way, fear is created by our thought (although there are real life situations when we should trust our fear instinct) and the more we listen to it, the more we bail out on great things in life. But thanks for this particular post. Even knowing what I just wrote out, I sometimes forget it.
@Judy:
It’s funny how sometimes saying out loud something you already know makes you more likely to act on it
I used to have a similar problem but at one point I discovered the beauty of uncertainty and now I like it. Nice post Vlad.
@Oscar:
I’m reading a book right now on the psychology of lucky people (and how it differs from unlucky people).
One of the big differences is that lucky people welcome and seek out new, uncertain situations, while the unlucky people stick to their old routines, and don’t notice interesting opportunities much.
I guess you stumbled across one of the secrets of creating luck
Hey Vlad, great post…
self preservation, wanting to protect yourself is a hurdle everyone faces, for an early age of heading into school. The unknown, what if they don’t like me. etc.
But as we all get to see, most of it is internal dialogue and nothing to sweat about
@Jon:
Spot on! If the group doesn’t like you, that might have meant death thousands of years ago, when we lived in 50-people tribes. But nowadays, it’s just a relic of the past. As you say, nothing to sweat about!