Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Luv y’all verrr much!
And since it’s Valentine’s Day, I was just thinking about something. Did you know there are men’s holidays and women’s holidays?
No, really! And it’s not just the obvious stuff like Mothers’ Day and such.
Some time ago I read a very interesting survey on what were men’s and women’s favorite “special occasions”. There were some days that both men and women rated highly – like birthdays and Christmas.
But there were also a few intriguing differences. Women rated anniversaries and Valentine’s Day very highly, while those usually appeared somewhere near the bottom of most men’s lists. Meanwhile, men really liked the 4th of July and the Superbowl. (Okay, I read the survey a long time ago. I’m not too sure about the Superbowl.)
Why is that? Well… our brains are wired differently at the deepest, reptilian, level. Some holidays simply appeal deeply to the male instincts, while others appeal deeply to the female instincts!
Take Valentine’s Day for example. It’s a celebration of commited relationships, and a man spending his resources on a woman. Those are things that make women feel more feminine.
Meanwhile, the things that make men feel more masculine are:
- freedom
- territory
- winning in competition with other men
And Valentine’s Day isn’t much about those. In fact, it’s kinda about REDUCING men’s freedom by having them commit to a women. No wonder we guys don’t like Valentine’s Day.
Just this Friday, I was talking to a few friends who were planning to do stuff with their girlfriends for Valentine’s Day. They were just NOT into it at all – they felt that Valentine’s Day was just a nuisance. We men all feel that way on a deep instinctual level.
For you women out there who can’t understand how Valentine’s Day feels for us guys – it feels a bit like picking Christmas presents for someone you’re not that excited about seeing anyway, and having no idea what present to buy. In other words, a bit frustrating and annoying, and kinda pointless. But we do the Valentine’s day stuff anyway because we know you girls love it, and we love you 
Looking at what makes us guys feel more masculine, you can see why for example 4th of July is so popular with guys (I’m European, so I’ve never actually experienced the 4th of July celebrations, but I hear it involves fireworks and food and it’s a celebration of some big military victory.). It’s about freedom and territory and winning in competition over other men! It’s exactly the stuff that makes us feel more masculine!
Oh yeah, speaking of Valentine’s day being a women’s holiday…
Last weekend, a bunch of us were celebrating a friend’s birthday. We were doing an Otley run, which is a tradition here in Leeds – we all dressed up costumes of a certain theme (our theme was sci-fi) and went from pub to pub all the way from Otley to Leeds.
I got talking to one of the girls, and at one point she half-jokingly told me she was “very single” and that she was hoping to find a man of her dreams that night. But the thing is… she was only half joking. I could sense a slight tinge of desperation in her.
She also told me she had been single for 9 months. I thought for a bit that maybe she was getting a bit desperate being single for that long… but that didn’t seem right. Surely being single isn’t such a big deal? And then I realized! It wasn’t being single that was the big deal. It was being single on Valentine’s Day! With just a week left, she WAS getting a bit desperate to find a relationship, even a short-term one!
Now, I’m not 100% confident about my analysis there – in fact I’d like a female opinion (This is your chance, girls!). Is it true that being single is normally not a big deal, but it IS a kind of a big deal on Valentine’s Day? And if yes, what does it feel like to be a single woman on Valentine’s Day? A bit like being alone on Christmas Day? Or can you think of a different analogy to help us guys understand?
Thanks for your input! Of course, guys, if you have anything to add about your favorite men’s holidays, feel free to leave a comment too!
Okay, that’s all about the topic of men’s vs. women’s holidays . But since I’m in a storytelling mood, I might as well tell you another story from my life associated with Valentine’s Day…
My experiences with Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day holds a dear place in my heart. Why? Because it was on Valentine’s Day that I first grew the balls to ask a girl out!
Every time I think back over that day, it brings a huge grin to my face. Because at the time, I was a COMPLETE and UTTER wussbag. Just wait and see . But thinking about it, it also makes me realize how incredibly far I’ve come since then. And that brings an even bigger smile to my face. So without further ado…
It was a beautiful winter day, a few years ago. I was still a high school student back then.
There was this girl in my year whom I fancied. I had known her a bit for… um let’s see… I think it was about two years by then. I had never really talked to her much (yeah, I know, great start for a potential relationship :p). But when the Valentine’s Day was about to come, I decided to act!
So for Valentine’s day, I bought her a bouquet of flowers! That’s right… not a single red rose like a cool romantic dude – a whole bouquet of flowers! Super-wussbag move number 1 
So I gave it to her like:
“Err… Ummm… Hi… Errr…. here.”
“Oh, is this for me? Thank You!” *hug*
“Errr, yeah. Haha. Errr… ok… I’ll see you around.”
Yeah, I know, Don Juan himself would be proud :p. Super-wussbag delivery – that’s number 2!
Later on, during lunch break, I decided to actually, you know… ask her out! That’s what I gave her the flowers for, after all! So I walked up to her again.
“Hi… err… um… I was… errr… wonderingifyou’dilketogooutwithmesometime?”
“What?”
“I was… errr… wondering if you would… umm…. like… errr… like to go out with me sometime?”
“Okay.”
“How about today after school?”
“Oh, I can’t, I’ve got extra French.”
“Oh, sure, right, no problem. How about after extra French? I can wait.”
“Okay! After extra French.”
Yay! What a great way to convey “I have no life and I will completely rearrange my schedule to suit whatever you please.”! Super-wussbag move number 3!
After that I said bye and walked about 10 metres over to a bunch of my guy friends. I told them I just asked her out and she said yes. This led to a mutter of approval and some high-fives. In plain view of her. Super-wussbag move number 4!
Okay, long story short, we did go out for a milk-shake, I was acting nervous and stilted the whole time, we talked about boring stuff, and she’s been avoiding me like the plague ever since :p
Every time I think back over that day, I realize just how stereotypically nerdy and socially inept I used to be back then . And it just makes me laugh.
I also like it because it was roughly a month or two after I first got into personal growth. So every Valentine’s Day, I think back and say to myself: “It’s been only x years that I’ve been into personal growth, and look how FAR I’ve come! Wow!” And then I feel really good about myself.
And that’s really all for today . Share the love!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I somewhat dislike both Valentine’s Day and Christmas because they are both big orgies of buying and giving stuff because that’s what you are supposed to do. Birthdays are a little different, in that you are focused on a specific person–it’s *their* particular day to be treated special. Beyond that, though, I much more enjoy giving something at a spontaneous moment where I’m inspired to. And I believe that’s appreciated positively a lot more. (Whereas Valentine’s Day merely has negative potential. You don’t “win points” for giving; you lose them if you don’t, however.) And I also believe that it only makes sense to give a gift (however you understand what a gift is) that serves as a true expression of your self and/or relationship. A bouquet of roses? Boring. A great big sunflower because she loves sunflowers? Yes! A box of chocolates? Boring. Some of those chocolates from that shop you stepped into while you were in Paris together? Yes!
And I’ve been lucky enough to have a couple of girlfriends who enjoyed giving me carefully-thought-out gifts on Valentine’s and other occasions.
In your story you express the important lesson: giving gifts to win love or approval is bad, bad. Which is too easily what Valentine’s Day becomes.
I love you Vlad! In the ‘I was depressed before I started reading your blog, but you have motivated me to do something with my life so I’m happy now’ way.
However, I generally stick with the super-ultra wussbag move that is better than all of yours combined: Do nothing but twitch nervously whenever a girl I think is likable is in the room. Beat that!
:p
Are you talking about chatting to me about Valentine’s day?…Don’t mind if you are just don’t remember saying anything like that.
@Brain:
I absolutely agree. All those holidays are grasped at by companies to make you buy buy BUY MORE NOW YOU NEED IT BUY IT NOW!
I also prefer to give a thoughtful gift to someone simply because I just thought of them, not because it’s some special occasion where I’m FORCED to give them something. (Unless, as you say, it’s their birthday. That makes it THEIR special occasion!)
Actually, I’ve been trying to convince my family to abolish the Christmas gift-giving craze for years. I feel it only brings stress. But my family isn’t too receptive to that idea. I even repeatedly asked them to give me nothing. In fact, last Christmas by brother gave me “almost nothing, but nicely packaged” (you had to be there). It was one of the most awesome Christmas gifts ever
@Jojo:
Okay, you win! Feel free to celebrate :p
@Sky:
Tssssk… the whole world doesn’t revolve around you, Sky, you know. (In reality, it revolves around me :p)
No, it wasn’t you. It was some guys from my Jitsu club.
You are using data from a survey to show which holidays (most? all? more?) men prefer and which (some? many?) women prefer. Fair enough.
I’m not sure what your data is behind conclusions such as “We men all feel that way on a deep instinctual level”, though, or your statements about our brains being wired differently at the basic reptilian level. How differently? Are the differences consistent or is there an overlap? Or are we just in the “Men are from Mars…” alternative reality here?
@Fairyhedgehog:
I think the surveyors simply asked people to list their favorite holidays, in order, and then compiled the data according to some algorithm (I know, I know, I really wish I had the original survey by hand to check it again). There were some minor fluctuations, but also some very clear general patterns. Like what I described in this article.
As to why I claim men’s and women’s brains are wired differently… because they are. There are clear differences in masculine and feminine instincts, whether you like it or not. All the evidence is way too much to go into in a single comment, but I’ve been interested in this for years, and I’m getting my information from people who have seriously studied this for decades.
I’m not asking you to believe me. But how about you keep your eyes open and notice when you see it around you. Like when you ask men and women what are their favorite holidays. Or when you see girls go to the toilets in groups. Or next time you pass by a chocolates or cakes shop, notice what percentage of the customers are women.
And yes, we’re pretty much in the “men are from mars…” territory here. That is, differences between genders. It’s even in the title of the post
Hi! Liked your thoughts on women’s and men’s holidays and what guys feel abt v day! the single woman feels the same
its needlessly unnecessary.
Rather this year, my desperation was going so high so that it was haunting like a nightmare at the wee hours and I woke up to 13 feb thinking to be it the v day! I was feeling terriblly sick miserable thinking abt all the Exs that are engaged and I being left alone, till I turn on TV (to kill my time watching V day sp. movies) Thats when I finally woke up to 13 Feb
Next day was rather fun. I went out with a single frend. But no loving couples were around due to recent political strife that did threaten young couples cos somewhere they thought it’s not a part of their Indian culture. That made it rather easy for me to survive through the day
missed the love birds around though!
liked the 2nd part of your write up. It’s cute!
Happy V day!
Hi!
Here I found an interesting video on msn. Thought you wud enjoy it too
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-in&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:031a2d36-0dab-408f-9307-6ed13973ac04&showPlaylist=true
What about the shopping thing?
My impression is that women love shopping (even if they don’t buy anything!) and men generally hate it. It’s having to buy presents that ruins Christmas for me.
@Dharitri:
Cheers!
@Felix:
Ya, I noticed that too! I heard somewhere that this evolved in caveman times. Back then, the man’s goal was simple – go out, hunt deer, kill deer, bring deer back home. Meanwhile, women would spend that time walking around forests, sniffing, squeezing and tasting berries and fruit to see if it was edible, and bonding by talking to each other the whole time. Apparently this also means men evolved to talk a lot less than women, because you had to stay quiet to catch anything.
Hi there Vlad! I’ve got to tell you that this is the only post I ‘ve read so far and it made me laugh a lot.
In my country (Colombia) there’s a double celebration because feb 14 it’s the day inherited from our american friends and the equivalent day (“Día del amor y la amistad” something like “The Love and friendship day” ) is celebrated in september. So we got a double strike (shame on me).
Anyway, I was reading the Human Zoo (Desmond Morris) and after a search in Google from a related subjetct I ended here.
Hey Vlad! You had asked for a female perspective on being single on Valentine’s Day. I have been single for over 3 years (by choice!!) and love it. I am striving to be the best that I can be for myself and for my 3 years old daughter before I bring a third party into my life. I am happy and confident in that choice….however, Valentine’s Day is still hard.
I know I’m doing the right thing in staying single right now, but when that dreaded day starts coming near I feel like a little kid within my own head plugging my ear and going ‘lalala i can’t hear you’ trying my best to just ignore all the mushy young couples smoochin and holding hands and stores filled with hearts and candies and ‘I love you’ doodads.
It makes me feel a helluva lot better knowing guys hate doing that stuff, now I’m not so jealous of my girlfriend. hardy har!
To actually see that confession in print seems a little pathetic, but it also makes me realize how dumb it is to let one day make me think twice about the decision I made for my child. I can survive that one day. I have and will continue to.
Surprisingly (and I only speak for myself, I’ve been know to be somewhat of a freak of nature so I may be alone on this) no other holiday (asides from sweetest day which is the epitome of hallmark holidays!) gets me like valentines day. Christmas is great…maybe even better w/o having to deal with a man. Christmas is a holiday for family and I’ve got all the family I need right now in my daughter. As long as we’re together every other holiday is wicked awsome. Thank God Valentines Day is done for. I have a 11 more months to figure out how to be stronger and less pathetic next year! =D
@Miranda:
Hey, thanks for your perspective
Now all I need is a perspective of a non-single woman, and what she thinks of women who are single on Valentine’s Day, and I might actually start to get some insight into women’s minds!
(btw, can anybody think of a word that means “non-single”, but doesn’t sound weird? I thought of “taken” and “relationshiponized”, but they don’t feel quite right :p)