A couple of years back, when I still lived with my mom, there was one little thing that bugged me. Whenever our roll of toilet paper would run out, and my mom would replace it, she would put in the new roll facing the wrong way.
Granted, it wasn’t a major upset. But every time I saw that, I got a little shot of anger, thinking “Can’t she see she’s putting it in wrong?!”, and then turn the roll around. That was until I read one online article…
Apparently, men like to place the toilet roll facing outwards, while women like it facing inwards. (Update: I heard cat-owners place the roll facing towards the wall (for obvious reasons). My mom used to own a cat when she was young… so this could be another explanation.)
So I had a good laugh about that, because I finally understood why my mom was placing the roll the “wrong” way. Every time after that, I just got a little chuckle out of it instead of getting upset. (I still switched the roll to face outwards though, because I like it that way :p)
Different but equally correct
Another related story involves light switches. I grew up in a country where up means lights on and down means lights off. When I occasionally went on holidays and saw light switches that worked the other way, I just chuckled at the foreigners who got them working wrong.
Then I moved to Belgium, where down usually means on and up means off. I realized there’s no logic supporting one way or the other. It’s just a matter of convention.
The two conventions are different, yet both equally correct. (As opposed to the toilet paper incident. Obviously, outward-facing toilet paper is far superior!)
And the same applies to people’s beliefs.
Just because someone believes different things than you do, it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. You are both equally correct.
I’m quite happy with people believing whatever they want. I don’t like it when they start forcing their beliefs on others. Like anti-abortion folks who manage to get abortion outlawed in their country, so people who believe in choice can’t exercise their beliefs.
Understanding others helps you accept them
In my toilet paper incident, I stopped being upset once I understood my mom’s reasoning.
The same applies in many other cases. There’s a brilliant video on TED talks explaining the difference between democrats and republicans. It shows how democrats and republicans generally think differently (because they have different values), yet they are both equally correct. I really recommend you watch it.
And that’s the best thing to do when you’re upset with someone’s beliefs or actions. Understand their reasoning. Ask someone to explain it (in an open-minded way, not an attacking-their-beliefs way), or find an explanation online.
You probably still won’t agree with them. But you will no longer be upset, because you will understand.
There’s a reason why understanding (as in “an understanding person”) means tolerant and open-minded. Because once you understand someone’s point of view, you really become much more tolerant towards them!
Try it. Then you’ll understand.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree with everything you say, excellent post.
I loved this article! Your analogy with the toilet paper is perfect! I always wondered why people would put it in the “wrong way”. I wouldn’t go as far as changing it myself (hold on.. aren’t YOU forcing your toilet paper outwardness opinion on your mum??
) But the analogy is beautiful for other people’s beliefs. I get angry a lot with people who believe something that starkly contrasts with my beliefs, but whenever we have a nice mature discussion and (since I usually argue with people equally as stubborn as me) rarely change the other person’s opinion, but at least agree to disagree. Understanding is the best way forward 
Great post! Stumbled and retweeted!
Hello Vlad
I am a “wrong” girl then, because I put my toilet paper facing out. BUT I am an engineer and I have, so it could explain
Great post, again so!
See you soon in Eo-land.
Isn’t this a kind of moral relativisim? Surely you can’t really be happy for people to believe “whatever they want?
If I believed it was ok to drown kittens, kick puppies or torment small children would that actually be acceptable? Surely such beliefs are actually wrong and would require some sort of intervention rather than simply attempting to understand my wrongheaded ideas – whether or not I forced them on others?
K.i.t.F.R.:
I agree with everything you say in your comment
@Benny:
It would have been fun if my mom really cared and also started swapping the toilet paper around to face the way she wanted.
@Michela:
No no no, you are very much the RIGHT kind of girl!
Which reminds me, I have to ask my girlfriend which way she puts the toilet paper roll in. Because that’s a total dealbreaker…
@Meg:
Actually, I’d be quite happy for you to believe those things.
If you started acting on those beliefs, that would be a problem!
Hmmmm, in my experience, people’s belief systems are invariably the foundation for their actions. People who think its ok to kick puppies are more likely to actually kick puppies and extremely unlikely to take any action to stop anyone else from kicking puppies.
Surely if we sit back and accept that any value system holds some kind of validity simply based on the fact that people have a ‘right’ to believe “whatever they want” we are condoning the belief and to some extent the behaviour that flows from it?
Meg, the whole point I think, is that understanding is required. If you talked to a puppy-kicker and they explained themselves, it’s next to impossible that they could actually give any kind of logical argument so you would still be left not respecting their opinions and obliged to intervene. But we can sometimes be surprised that we can accept less controversial things that we still disagree on, or even discover that maybe they aren’t that controversial. Right?
I completely agree with and understand what you’re saying. I had a huge argument with my housemate earlier in the year over the position of the toilet seat (we’ve not discussed the direction of the toilet paper, which she always gets wrong). After we both calmed down and explained our views on the situation, the issue is resolved.
I do think tho that there are certain principles that simply cannot be justified, and people should be burned ot the stake, or dragged behind a galloping horse for believing that these beliefs are valid. Alternatively, sit them down and have them attempt to rationalise their belief. I find that often that alone will get them to see the error in their thought process. You don’t even need to actively poke holes in their theories, they’re usually lame enough to fall apart by themselves.
As always, Vlad, great article. Thanks
Benny, I totally agree that understanding and tolerance are paramount in maintaining a civil society. And making the effort to understand why others believe what they believe can make it easier to be tolerant of their differing points of view.
This definitely works for the small things like religion, politics and toilet paper
The statement “I’m quite happy with people believing whatever they want” perhaps irked me more than it should have. Personally I am not happy with that. I am not happy with the businessman that owns all the properties in my town’s main street believing that he can do what he likes with them and destroy our community and local economy. I am not happy with people believing that women are second class citizens. There is no way I am happy with people believing its ok to drive drunk on our roads (or even footpaths if it comes to that!!). . .
While I might seek to understand why they believe these things are ok, I am not prepared to tolerate their beliefs and even if I do come to understand where the beliefs come from I will probably still be pretty upset about them. In fact, my strength of feeling in the opposite direction means that I will probably even take some sort of action to force my own beliefs on these people . . .
“It’s ok to advertise your beliefs. It’s not ok to force them on others.”
Let’s take the above statement as our axiom. Then let’s take Meg’s Puppy-kicker problem as an example. Based on our axiom the puppy kicker has the right to his beliefs, and we have the right to disagree with him.
Alas he does not have the right to exercise his beliefs cause that’d be forcing them on the poor puppy. Should he exercise them it’d be wrong. HOWEVER, it’d be equally wrong for us to intervene and stop him. Cause that’d be forcing our beliefs upon him.
So how to respond should our puppy-kicker decide to exercise his beliefs? There is no perfect answer and find an as good one as possible is a matter of many compromises, possibly one of the worlds hardest and most important questions. As far as my reading comprehension goes, Vlad isn’t trying to answer it in this blog post, though he is addressing that the problem exists. This blog post is about not becoming puppy-kickers rather than how to deal with them.
So why wouldn’t you want to be a puppy-kicker? To draw your stick to the stack that is a more peaceful world? Maybe but there’ll still be unsolvable contradictions. Let’s take the man who believes you’d be better of dead. Alas you’re forcing your believes upon him by continuing to live! Can’t deal with him, can we?
No, this is a method for making friends, or at least neutrals, of your enemies. So if that is a goal you’d like to archive, then add this method to your toolbox. Remember, just cause you have it there in the toolbox doesn’t mean that you always have make use of it!
It’s not a method guaranteed to work but I’d say it’s a quite efficient one at least. And the real world is all about being efficient!
I think this article is best summed up in 4th Hill’s commentary to Murphy’s law – If it does not matter, it doesn’t matter.
If there is no logical reason to do something and it is just a matter of convention then why bother forcing others to do something – you will just make enemies or get laughed at, If there is a good reason for doing something some way then act as needed – remember that goal blesses means, so do not make a major fuss about a minor thing
@Benny, @Meg, @Shadowart:
Meg, let’s say you found someone who believes kicking puppies is the right thing to do (but doesn’t take any action on that), and you think they don’t have the right to believe that. What are you going to do about it?
You can’t control other people’s beliefs. You might try forcing them to take therapy or something, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. In fact, by trying to convince someone their beliefs are wrong, you only make them hold those beliefs stronger. (I saw a study somewhere, can’t remember where, with Democrats and Republicans. At first, about 30% of the Republicans were hard-set in their beliefs, the rest were luke-warm. Then they presented good logical arguments to them as to why some Republican policies are bad. At the end of the study, about 70% of the Republicans were hard-set in their beliefs. In other words, hearing arguments against their beliefs only made those beliefs stronger.
Shadowart, you make a great point. Sometimes we enter a moral grey territory there, where we can’t really avoid forcing beliefs onto one another. A great example would be someone wanting to cut down a tree, and someone resisting.
I don’t have a be-all and end-all answer there
. But I sure know that understanding others will often stop me from feeling bad about things I don’t control.
@Danman:
Good quote. Thanks for sharing it!
@Richard:
Great idea! Instead of approaching it as “your beliefs are wrong, here is why” (Which will never work), you can simply start asking them questions about their beliefs! If you simply act genuinely curious, you won’t raise the ego defenses.
And they’ll either realize that their beliefs are wrong, or they will stick to their beliefs. But in that case you will understand their beliefs better and so feel less angry. Win/win!
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