I was walking down the street the other day, and I saw a well-dressed woman in her twenties.
So far, nothing special. Except this woman was balancing on a railing between the sidewalk and a grassy lawn, with her arms outstretched, slowly walking forward.
This immediately caught my attention, since you don’t usually see adults balancing on railings.
I didn’t talk to her, since she seemed quite absorbed, with her headphones on, and I had places to be. But on another day, I might well have stopped and talked to her, because the simple fact that she was walking along that railing, just being herself and not caring what other people think, made her interesting and attractive enough for me to want to start a conversation.
Where not being yourself comes from
You’ve probably been hearing about “being yourself” all your life, but have you ever stopped to think what does it mean?
If you’re not being yourself, who are you being? Does that even make sense?
That’s not a rhetorical question. I’d like you to pause and think about it. Take at least 10 seconds to think about it right now, before reading on.
…
Okay, ready? Here’s what I think.
If you’re not being yourself, it means you’re being who other people want you to be. Instead of being true to your own ideals and values, you’re letting other people’s ideals and values guide your actions.
Now, it’s not always a bad thing to do what other people tell you. But if you’re obeying other people’s values, in conflict with what you feel is right, you’re not being yourself.
And it comes from the simple desire to fit in, and not raise any waves. But as we’ll see in a moment, this desire often backfires by making you fit in with the wrong people, and making you miss out on meeting the right people…
Why being yourself rocks
Let’s go back to the woman in my story. What does she stand to gain by walking along that railing?
Firstly, the obvious – she gains the freedom of being herself without worrying what other people might think or feel. She’s not harming anyone by walking along a railing, and if other people think she’s weird, so what?
But that’s not all. She’s also sending out a message. She’s saying “I’m the kind of woman who will walk along a railing just for the fun of it.”
Some people will find that repulsive. That’s great! Those are exactly the kind of people she wouldn’t want to spend time with anyway.
Some people, on the other hand, will find it attractive and interesting, and those are exactly the kind of people she might want to talk to.
And thirdly, she’s sending out a clear message that she has a strong personal boundary. She’s saying “I know who I am, and I like it. If you don’t like it, that’s cool, let’s just not hang out together.”
So be yourself.
Because by being yourself, you will not only feel more alive, by living in alignment with your own values. You will also attract people you will love hanging out with, and repel people you don’t want to be with anyway.
If you sacrifice who you are in order to fit in, you are just fitting in with the people you won’t really enjoy being with anyway. The people you really want to be with will love your quirks and oddities.
To finish off, I’d like to share this lovely thought by Ali Hale:
You are not a dress shirt that needs every wrinkle ruthlessly ironed out. You are a warm, snuggly sweater, loved not in spite of but because of your loose threads, your crumpled bits, your huggable qualities.
Be yourself. Unapologetically.
(image courtesy of aforero)
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I love sweaters… and jumping into puddles, splashing water all over my trousers ^__^
Wonderfully written and illustrated post! Thanks for the reminder
@Ayuku:
Sounds fun
@Eden:
Cheers. Now go be yourself
If you’ll indulge my need to nitpick and introduce a slightly different idea as to why being yourself should be embraced, the first point being made under “Why being yourself rocks” is actually at odds with itself. Walking on the railing gives her the means to express her personal freedom, but not the freedom from others’ potentially negative attention. On the contrary, it invites attention to her deviance, allowing others to make fast and often short-sighted judgements on her personality.
What it does to her benefit, however, is allow her to challenge her confidence in her individuality: when was the last time you put your personality and individuality on display, and was confident enough to handle any criticism it might incite? This is still a part of being yourself, and why it rocks – it builds your character and strengthens your belief in your self-efficacy! Yet another reason why being yourself does rock! =D
On the article itself, I realized that I often forget that the people I try to impress with conformity (on the rather infrequent occasion that I do conform) aren’t the kind of people I actually want to be around anyway. Another eye-opening moment I have from reading others’ insights.
Good post. I like how you tie in being yourself with finding those who you’ll enjoy hanging out with. It’s a really good point. And really, caring what others think about you is a huge waste of your precious energy that could instead be applied to realizing your dreams.
Bamboo Forest – Tick Tock Timer´s last post ..If you register your site for free at
@clyde machine
You are missing a bit… which is utterly obvious but vlad didn’t mention it either.
“Being yourself” has the main advantage in the fact that *you* get to do what *you* consider worthwhile.
Everything else is just an aside.
And as Vlad already said well, the people whose attention you lose generally aren’t people you could stand to be around of.
Trying to please everyone isn’t only unrewarding , it’s also impossible
@Clyde:
I’d answer, but I think danman explained it superbly. I’ll just add one great quote that came to my mind (slightly edited for conciseness):
“If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, I would have little time for anything other than such correspondence, and no time for constructive work.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
@Bamboo:
Yes, the funny thing is that in human psychology, like attracts like. We tend to gather around and attract people that are similar to us.
So the better you show who you are, the better chance you have of attracting similar people! (And those are generally the people you will enjoying being with.)
@danman:
Spot on. I have nothing to add.
“And as Vlad already said well, the people whose attention you lose generally aren’t people you could stand to be around of.
Trying to please everyone isn’t only unrewarding , it’s also impossible”
That’s something that’s ingrained in us from childhood. I don’t see where it came after rereading my post, but it’s a fair statement nonetheless.
The second image to the article loaded, I just remembered http://www.euronews.net/2010/06/24/high-speed-train-runs-down-12-in-spain/ I don’t want to be a fun-spoleir, but maybe important point is missing. Be yourself, it’s fun, but for god sake, be careful. Being yourself brings unexpected results sometimes.
What beautiful thoughts on being yourself!!!!! So true… Great post!
Vlad,
This is a great post. I was once asked what I felt to be the most important of all of the virtues. I said honesty, specifically being honest with yourself about who you are, and not attempting to fit into any type of mold that is not of your own creation.
If you are going to create that mold though, you just have to be sure that it is what you want and aligns with your values. Thanks again for the post.
@Clyde:
You’re right, after re-reading your comment, I also see you never mentioned that bit. I guess we agree, then
@Joshua:
Also, the great thing about creating your own mold is that you can re-mold it as and when you wish. So instead of getting stuck in a rigid mold created for you by others, you can be flexible and say “Screw you, guys! I’m shaving my beard and turning vegan and selling my bike and getting a tattoo and starting to speak backwards and walk around on my hands, because I want to!”
Thanks for quoting me!
Great post, too. I still don’t have the courage to stand out much in public. I was keen to get a trampoline for our garden, though, but there’s not quite enough space…
Ali Hale´s last post ..On Houses- Loving Families- and Paying Forwards
@Ali:
Thanks for writing quotable stuff
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