Today, I will talk about something I’ve kept private until now – my romantic life.
I won’t try to convince you that my relationship choice – polyamory – is right for everyone. But I will give you a few compelling arguments for polyamory, including:
- why it draws you closer to your partner
- how it gives you more perspective (and often makes you realize your partner is even more awesome than you thought)
- how it makes you feel more secure in your relationship with your partner
As well as all the obvious benefits of more freedom and meeting more people.
(In case you haven’t heard about polyamory before – it’s about loving more than one person at a time.)
And now on to the reasons for polyamory…
Polyamory draws you closer to your partner
I’ll start with the big one. Most people think that by sleeping around with other people, it distances you from your partner.
But polyamorous people (including me) find that polyamory draws you closer together with your partner.
Normally, if you promised to be monogamous with someone, you might have doubt nagging you in the back of the brain. Did you make the right decision? Is your partner really as awesome as you think, or is it just not being alone that’s so awesome? That woman (or man) you’re having such fun conversations with at your yoga class, would they be a better partner for you?
There’s also scarcity (a.k.a. forbidden fruit): If you can’t have something, you will desire it more.
The funny thing I found after openly discussing polyamory with my girlfriend and getting the green light – I wouldn’t really want to date most of the cute women I know.
Having one happy steady relationships already satisfies most of my desires, so my standards for a second relationship are pretty high. I don’t really feel like sleeping around with lots of women (the idea just doesn’t attract me at this phase of my life), and if I were to enter a second steady relationship, that woman would have to be something special – not just the usual cute and fun.
Polyamory also gives you perspective. After I discussed polyamory with my girlfriend, I dated another girl for about two weeks – and she made me realize many small details that make my girlfriend awesome for me, and other people awesome for somebody else. There are so many awesome little (and big) things about your partner you probably don’t even notice. Meeting other people gives you the perspective to know how lucky you really are to have found them.
I want to be with my girlfriend because I WANT to be with her, not because of some kind of promise
Monogamous people might argue that by making a promise to be exclusive, (or getting married), you’re showing your commitment to someone. You’re showing that you’re serious.
My girlfriend knows that I’m commited to her – she doesn’t need a ring on her finger to see that.
More importantly, I would find it actively disrespectful to be with someone when I don’t really want to be with them.
It’s like asking someone out for dinner, and then spending the whole time texting your friends, making business calls and reading a book. Yuck.
Also, by not making any promises, my girlfriend knows that when I’m with her, I really want nothing else in the world more than to be with her. If I wanted to be with someone else, I would. If I wanted to be doing something else, I would tell her, and go do that.
Because we’re polyamorous, my girlfriend knows that when I’m with her, I want nothing else in the world more than to be with her. Also, if there ever comes a time when we don’t want to be together anymore – we will know, and we can leave on a high note. Unlike people who cling on to failed relationships for years, only making themselves and everyone around miserable.
Most monogamy stems from insecurity
What’s your first thought when you consider polyamory?
Something like “Oh no, my partner will go off, find somebody else they love more than me, and leave me!”?
That’s just your insecurity speaking. Think about it – if you were fully confident in being super-attractive and having found the right partner for you, would you worry about them leaving?
I also struggled with the same thoughts when I first considered polyamory.
Then I realized that my girlfriend and I have a very deep connection. We’re truly in love, and just because she goes off and finds somebody and has great sex with them, it won’t change anything between us.
And if, against all odds, she does find somebody else she loves more than me and wants to be exclusive with them – then the two of them belong together. It comes down to respect again – why would I want to make her stay with me when she’s happier with somebody else?
Another insecurity you might have is that you won’t be able to attract another partner if your current partner leaves you. So once you manage to someone, you cling on to them for dear life, paradoxically driving them emotionally further from you.
This happens a lot with psychologically immature people. Like the girlfriend who won’t let her boyfriend even look at other women, fearing that he would leave her. She will call him all day, read through his e-mails and text messages if she gets the chance, and even follow him to all social engagements to make sure he isn’t meeting other women.
That’s not a healthy relationship. If you can’t even trust your partner, you’re doing it wrong.
If you were fully confident in being attractive, interesting and mature, you wouldn’t worry about your current partner leaving you. Deep inside, you would know that somewhere out there is a person who is a great fit for you, and if your current partner leaves you, they weren’t that person and they’re letting you move on and get closer to finding your perfect match.
Monogamy is fine (if you do it for the right reasons)
I’m totally fine with people who choose monogamy.
But the key here is CHOOSING. Do you really want to be monogamous?
Choose monogamy because you want to. Not because your parents tell you to, or the society expects you to, or all your friends and relatives pressure you to get married already and start having kids. Even if your partner wants you to be monogamous – only choose so if you really want to.
Nobody can make you commit. Sure, they can make you get married, but that’s completely different from psychological commitment. Nobody can make you do that.
A lot of failed marriages stem from people rushing to get married before being psychologically commited to each other. Sometimes they even feel the lack of commitment and think that marriage will make up for it. It won’t. Marriage is a legal contract, no more, no less. Psychological commitment is completely separate.
But if you feel committed to your partner, and they feel committed to you, and you both like the idea of monogamy – go for it!
A few details about my relationship
In the spirit of full disclosure, here are a few details you might want to know.
Me and my girlfriend live in different countries, and only get to see each other every few months during holidays.
That’s actually one of the reasons we started talking about polyamory. Maybe if we were together, we would be quite happy and wouldn’t even consider polyamory.
That being said… once we get a chance to live together, we will definitely stay polyamorous, for all the reasons outlined above. It just feels much healthier psychologically, to us. So being separated made us consider awesome things that might have been too uncomfortable to consider otherwise.
That’s one thing about polyamory. It makes you face up to your insecurities (like not being awesome enough to keep your partner), rather than hiding behind the safety of a monogamous promise. It might be uncomfortable at first, but feels much better in the long run.
If you like the idea of polyamory…
So here’s the million dollar question – how do you bring up polyamory with your partner?
And here’s the answer: Just talk to them.
Really. If your partner leaves you or gets upset when you even mention the idea of polyamory, that’s a big red flag that they’re not the right person for you. Relationships are all about honest communication, so why would they get upset when you mention something you’re honestly thinking about?
If you want polyamory at this stage in your life, and your partner doesn’t even want to hear about it… then you might not be right for each other right now. But that’s up to you to decide.
In the end, your life is about what you want.
I like the idea of polyamory. So does my girlfriend. And we’re very happy with it.
And that’s why I choose polyamory.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Vlad, thanks for your honesty! Very interesting topic and I’m sure your readers will appreciate your frankness! It will likely ruffle some feathers, simply because it challenges traditional viewpoints.
If I had to be totally honest, I’d say that I’d be intimidated by the idea of polyamory for the insecure reasons you pointed out, as well as jealousy. Then again, I know that some girls I’ve been with would be totally OK with this idea. It’s something I’d consider trying in the early parts of a relationship with the goal of eventually being exclusive having confirmed that other people don’t tempt us as much.
However, for a long-distance relationship I’d be hard pushed to really call it polyamory. It’s more just honesty that you are being with other people while not with her. If you do live together and continue the open relationship, then that would suit the definition quite a lot more, just my opinion
I’ve been open to ex-girlfriends before about another relationship starting, while still saying that if our travel paths align again I’d like to continue the relationship where we left off (cancelling the “ex” part). I suppose this comes down to different definitions of what it means to have a girlfriend.
Benny the Irish polyglot´s last blog ..Is it better to travel to villages for language/cultural immersion?
@Benny:
You’re right, it’s not quite true polyamory until we’re both happily living together and still dating other people on the side
That being said, I feel like that’s where we’re heading (once we get the chance).
People might not really believe that we mean it until that happens. Oh well, so be it. This is how I feel about polyamory, so that’s what I write
“Monogamous people might argue that by making a promise to be exclusive, (or getting married), you’re showing your commitment to someone. You’re showing that you’re serious.”
I remember my tweet about marriage that you had replied to with the above idea. XD I may have worded it wrong or something, but whatever it was I said, your response was indeed insightful.
I’ve never heard of polyamory, and now that I’ve read about it, I know I would never try it, but I can see how some might choose it, for the reasons mentioned above, that it’s another way of proving not only to your partner but to yourself that you’re with the right person. With those reasons you’ve mentioned, I wouldn’t try it, as I feel that I’ve found the one person for me. I’ve proven it to myself why she is right for me (and especially why I am right for her), you and I just used different methods of testing to find the truth for ourselves.
Glad it’s worked out for you thus far. =)
Clyde Machine´s last blog ..A Lesson to be Learned: Critical Thinking Teaches
@Clyde:
And I’m glad you’ve found the right person for you
In the end it doesn’t matter so much how you get there… as long as you do.
Awesome t shirt. Suits the etymology geek in me. I suspect the term’s not going to change, though, until poly is more accepted in the mainstream.
There are many poly models, and I’d say yours fits the definition of “multiple loves”. Living together is not required to be in a relationship. It’s the commitment that counts.
I’m curious, though. You said people can make you get married. How so?
Gabrielle´s last blog ..Sidetracked
@Gabrielle:
If you like the idea of polyamory being wrong, here are several other equally wrong things
:
You can check out the wikipedia article on hybrid words for more cool examples that will blow your mind:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hybrid_word
As for people making you get married… sometimes people get pressured into getting married by their family, or peers, or their society. If it was up to them, they would wait another few months or years, or maybe even not marry that particular person at all.
I was making the point that no matter how much pressure others put on you, it has ZERO effect on your psychological feeling of commitment. That’s something that comes from within.
Hey Vlad,
You presented a very interesting concept here. I don’t know if I’m the only one, but if I’m perfectly honest, this term was quite new to me. I think that it fits what most people call an “open relationship”, though I can feel a little difference, right? I’m a typically faithful guy and when I’m with a girl I choose very carefully so that if I finally start a relationship with her than I know that there’s some interesting stuff going on between the two of us.
I really liked the metaphor between the forbidden fruit and this kind of relationship handling. Maybe, if it wasn’t forbidden Eve wouldn’t even care..
Interesting concept, though in the small town I live in finding even one girl for me is quite hard, so maybe when I go to college :-”
Cheers!
Zoli
@Zoli:
There’s a small difference. Open relationship usually means you have one main relationship, and are free to meet other people on the side for fun (and sex).
With polyamory, you’re free to love multiple people. Having full-blown relationships with more than one person.
Good luck finding as many girls as you want
(Yes, where you are matters more than most people realize.)
This is a great post, and from the comments I am glad many people have read it.
Labels are messy and not worth nitpicking, but I call myself in an “open relationship” even though I also consider myself polyamorous: open to meaningful, committed emotional relationships that go beyond sex for fun. However, I do consider my marriage (16 years and counting, w00t!) to be my primary relationship and any other one has to fit into a secondary role. There are many many ways to skin this cat.
Hedonalia´s last blog ..Hedonalia: V is not a great listener. She likes to be listened to. The other way around, not so much.
@Hedonalia:
Exactly. In the end it comes down to loving more than one person, and it’s not worth nitpicking too much exactly what you mean
this is everything i know am, and everything i could never articulate. thank you so much.
@Jon:
No problem. It took me a while to get the thoughts sorted in my head on exactly why I like the idea of polyamory so much.
Feel free to point people to this article
. I also often point people to an article written by someone else if they manage to explain something better than me.
Jumping into Polyamory was a huge decision for my wife & I…especially with another couple. Talk about some rough times there. Over the course of a year with our ‘other half’ things have went incredibly good to extremely depressing…and back & forth. It’s been one helluva ride, that’s for sure.
Funny thing is, we’ve jumped into this lifestyle before we even knew there was a word for it.
Marco´s last blog ..1) Love…..lots of it. (The Prologue)
@Marco:
I guess you’re an expedition leader
. Keep it up!
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