You’ve seen tons of posts like “XYZ Made Easy” and “5 Easy ways to XYZ”, both from me and from other bloggers.
Well, it’s holidays now, so let’s have a special post 
. Today, we’re going to do the exact opposite. Let’s look at every detail of how COMPLICATED meeting people really is! [click to continue…]
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Ever noticed how looking at a happy face makes you smile?
That’s because in our brains we have so called “mirror neurons”. Basically, whenever you see an expression on someone’s face, these neurons automatically try to replicate the expression on your own face.
And once you have this expression on your face, it makes you feel the emotions the other person is feeling. Funny thing, your body… feeling a certain way makes you hold your body and use your face muscles a certain way. But it works the other way as well – holding a facial expression makes you feel the associated emotions. (For more fun uses of that, see my article on Body Language Basics).
That’s why being around anxious or angry people makes you inexplicably stressed. The mirror neurons in your brain just can’t help trying to replicate their facial expression, and that brings you stress.
But today we won’t focus on unhappy people. Let’s focus on you being happy and excited, and how that affects everyone around you 
About the last bit – if you expect people to be fun and interesting when you first meet them, you will naturally smile and be positive towards them. This makes them think you’re a fun person to be with, so they smile and laugh more. That in turn confirms your initial suspicion, so you start smiling even more as you’re with them.
Voila, just you met a fun interesting person, just because you expected them to be that way!
Have you ever noticed how people who have been together very long (like 20 years) start to look alike? That’s because over time they use the same facial expressions, which lets the same muscles in their faces grow and others shrink.
Similarly, if you smile a lot, you will eventually get a permanent “friendly face”. You’ll get those little smile wrinkles in the corners of your eyes, and certain muscles in your face will become more prominent because you use them a lot.
People who look at your face will immediately get a gut feeling that you’re a friendly, trustworthy person. They probably won’t be able to explain why, or will say vague things like “she had a friendly face”. But we are all extremely good at recognizing facial features, and we’ll subconsciously get a good feeling about someone who’s happy most of the time – even if we can’t tell why.
You know how cracking a big friendly smile at someone just naturally makes them smile back? Try it with strangers on the street! It’s a ton of fun . It’s like happy elixir – you just create happiness out of nowhere.
Tim Brownson calls this a smile ripple. You crack a big smile at a complete stranger on the street, they just can’t help it but start smiling themselves, which in turn makes all the people who see them smile a little. A ripple of smiles spreads around you, like waves in a pond.
On a related note, the same works with high fives. When you put up your hand and just confidently say “high five!”, the other person will slap your hand about 95% of the time. Yes, even complete strangers. You can try it while walking down the street. Or, if you’re not that crazy, just try it in a pub. Walk up to a complete stranger, and just lift your hand and say “high five!”. I guarantee you’ll have a fun time from that, whichever way it goes
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(Photo courtesy of fofurasfelinas.)
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I was sitting with two friends at a dinner table. The talk turned to body language, and how it affects your mood. I proposed a simple experiment, which the others accepted.
So I put that cheesy-ass American grin on my face. One of my friends put a frown on his face. And the third one simply behaved normally.
Over the next couple of minutes, the wildest thing happened. I started having the time of my life. I was joking around, laughing, enjoying myself. The friend with the frown became grumpy and pissed. He eventually left early.
The only downside for me was that after holding that cheesy American grin for about 15 minutes, my mouth kinda hurt. But I was laughing anyway.
Everybody knows your mental state affects the way you hold your body. An unhappy depressed person will slouch and look at the ground. But some people don’t realize the opposite is also true. It’s a feedback mechanism. Putting your a smile on your face will make you feel happier.
Good news! You can consciously change your body language. Which means you can indirectly change your mood too.
Try the following experiment:
1. Think of a thought or situation that mildly worries you.
2. Notice your body language. (Slouched shoulders? Maybe a frown? Shallow breathing? Anything else?)
3. Stop right there! Pull your shoulders back. Lean back. Lift your head. Now take three deep slooo..o…oow breaths. One….. Twoo….. Threeee. Now put a huge teeth-flashing smile on your face.
4. Keeping this posture, think the same worrying thought as before. The chances are, it doesn’t seem so bad anymore. You simply can’t feel too worried if you’re holding your body confidently and grinning at the world.
5. Optionally, keep that grin on your face for 3 minutes. It will make your day.
The 80/20 rule says you should focus on the 20% of your effort which generates 80% of the results. Body language falls squarely in that category. It’s very simple to change, yet it creates a dramatic difference in how you feel.
Did you know that only 7% of what we communicate is words? 25% is voice tone and a whopping 68% is body language.
(Update: As Michael pointed out in the comments, the actual statistic is 7% verbal, 38% voice tone and 55% body language. Also, for example the 7% figure means that when verbal and nonverbal messages are in conflict, people will favour the verbal messages 7% of the time. See the Albert Mehrabian wikipedia page for more details.)
It makes sense that changing you body language vastly changes how others perceive you.
There are some things to do, and a couple of things to avoid.
1. Keep your legs shoulder-width apart when standing
Keeping you legs too close (like most people do) shows you don’t have much confidence. Keeping them too far apart is try-hard. That also communicates lack of inner confidence.
2. Hold your shoulders back
Stand up straight, holding your head high. Now pull your shoulders up around your neck, really tense. Now relax the shoulders, and let them fall in a comfortable relaxed position. That’s where you want to keep them.
3. Lift your chest
Stand with your legs shoulder-width apart. Imagine there’s a silver thread running from the front of your chest up into the sky. Now imagine that silver thread starts pulling your chest up. That’s what I mean.
4. Lean back
This applies mostly when sitting down. Leaning back communicates you’re cool and not needy. Just lean back comfortably and speak a bit louder.
5. Hold your head up high
This was a big one for me personally. I used to walk around looking at the ground. Nowadays I look at the scenery or look people in the eyes when walking. It’s amazing, but when you look up at the scenery and horizon, even a simple walk to the grocery store looks like a scene from a movie. Next time you walk somewhere, notice the buildings and the sky. See how that feels different from where you normally look.
1. Slouching
This is a really bad one. Not only does it make you look weak and unconfident, it’s also bad for your health. It constricts your chest, making your breathing fast and shallow. That alone is enough to make you feel miserable.
2. Fidgeting
Moving the whole time is a sign of nervousness. Others can really feel it.
When I first started learning about body language several years ago, I had no idea how the people I was talking to were feeling. I couldn’t tell if they were enjoying the conversation or were bored out of their minds.
Now I can tell exactly how the conversation is going by little nuances in the other person’s facial expression. Real mind reading to some people.
If you’re at a point in your life yourself where you have no clue about body language, that’s cool. We’ve all been there. Below I share some of the most basic and easily noticeable body language cues.
1. Folded arms
This universally means the person is being cold, defensive, and stand-offish. It’s why you often see bodyguards standing like this.
Let’s say you’re standing in a group of people. If someone has folded arms, chances are they’re not having fun. You might also see them looking around and if you look at their feet…
2. Feet
Feet are a great body language cue. It’s completely unconscious, but very obvious once you look for it. Look which direction the person’s feet are pointing. If they’re both pointed towards the rest of the group, they’re interested in the conversation.
If one of their feet is pointing towards the exit, it means they would rather be somewhere else. People also often point one of their feet at the person in the group they’re most interested in.
3. Eye contact / looking around
This one’s a little bit more subtle than the previous two, but still pretty easy to notice. If a person is looking around a lot, it means they’re looking for something more interesting. If, on the other hand, their eyes seem glued to the person they’re talking to, they find the person very interesting.
You have enough information now to make some basic changes in your body language. Don’t worry if you don’t get it quite right.
It took me personally about a week until I figured out the natural confident state. During that first week, I held my chest too high and out, my shoulders too far back, I was leaning back too much. In short, I looked completely ridiculous for a week.
I figured a week of looking ridiculous was a small price to pay for subsequent years of good body language. And boy, was I ever right.
Another view of body language
To finish off, I’ll present you another school of thought about body language.
This school of thought believes changing your body language isn’t enough. Body language is, after all, just a representation of your inner state. You should instead notice your body language, figure out what that means about your inner state and then work on that.
For example, let’s say you find yourself fidgeting nervously. Instead of just making yourself stop in the moment, you would ask yourself what you’re feeling nervous about. Then you would go and do something about that.
Changing your body language is a quick fix. Taking care of the cause means you don’t need to worry about changing your body language. It will become naturally confident once you remove all inner game issues.
Whichever approach you adapt, good luck.
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Hi, I'm Vlad, and I love the human mind! I believe anyone can live their life in a way that makes them feel deeply, passionately alive. So that's what I blog about - coming alive with passion!
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